Over these past three months, I’ve been undergoing quite the transformation. I stepped into my heart space and I finally found something that felt like home. It hurt a lot, especially in the beginning. I had to come to terms with the concept of boundaries and following only what felt right for me in the moment.
There were days when I didn’t feel like doing a single thing. Just lying in bed with a good book to read or walking around my neighborhood. I had to say no to a lot of things. Not only on a professional level. I turned down client sessions, photo shoots, healing sessions and readings, because somehow these did not resonate with me at that moment in time. I had to follow my heart and my intuition to an extent I had never before. I actually had to really open up my heart chakra in order for that intuition to flow, but that is something left for another post. Oftentimes saying no was not only aimed towards people. I remember walking halfway across town to the grocery store and then deciding five minutes before entering that I didn’t feel like going in anymore. I had to reprogram my intention of grocery shopping, simply turn around and walk back home again. Although in the rational mind it felt utterly ridiculous, in the emotional state and heart space I was in, I was simply too exhausted to deal with the masses of people during prime time and weekends. Instead, I bought my groceries the next day on my own terms and at my own pace.
I had to stand up to myself and say no when so-called friends or acquaintances suggesting various things to me, such as events, healing sessions with other healers, meeting other people or anything there-such. It took me a long time to see that almost everyone around me was following their own agenda – and many times their agenda was toxic towards me (but not necessarily toxic to someone else). I had people reach out to me halfway through the winter, who were too upset to really see what was going on with me and the path of self-healing I was undertaking. Instead, they accused me of being in the wrong and asked me in an upset voice if I had an issue with them. Half of the time I didn’t even care to respond until a few days or weeks after. The few times I responded almost right away, I was hit by another wave of their self-pity and their entrenchment in their own agenda.
Unf*cking myself from everything I believed was my life and tearing down the illusions around me took a lot out of me. I had to muster courage, stand up for myself and take my power back. But at the end of the day, it was oh-so-worth-it. Today I look into the mirror and see a person I am 100% happy with. I met people randomly on the streets, who only 9 months ago had cheated on me or lied to me. I was able to meet them in the most loving and kind way ever because I had forgiven myself and healed myself to the extent it was necessary to muster up this love and kindness towards them. I was sometimes met with confusion by them but oftentimes they cherished my presence until I set up a boundary again and left the conversation on my own terms and timing. Healing myself and becoming whole again started as a painful road. I was flooded with emotions, insight and guidance. I was also flat on my back for almost most of the period. Energetically, I was working through lifetimes of pain, self-inflicted hurt and abandonment. This was so huge, it did not only affect occurrences from my childhood. It affected past lifetimes and perhaps potential parallel lives and future timelines. However, I truly believe I needed this time of my life more than ever. Had I not dealt with it now, I most likely would have never had the strength to do so later-on in my life. Especially now – when a whole new chapter is calling me.
Had I not healed this part of myself, I would have not been able to heal my past and future self. The healing process is ongoing. It most likely won’t be done anytime soon. And I am perfectly fine with that. What I take from it now is that loving myself was one of the best things I could have done. Not only for myself, but everyone else around me. My ancestors, my family, my future children and my future descendants.
Becoming whole again is helping the entire world become whole again. Healing myself is healing everyone else around me. I hope you too find a way to become whole again.
Love & Light,